too many emotions.

I have so many emotions going through my head that I just don't know what to do with them all. This is when I feel I have to write them all out here. But then when it comes to it, I don't know how I feel or what I feel. I was doing just fine before I met him. Everything was good, I was happy, there was nothing more that I wanted. And then I went and fucking met him. And from the moment I left him standing there on that platform, I haven't been the same person. I left a part of me with him, and I don't think he even realises that. He has no idea that I'm feeling like this and I'm far too scared to tell him. How is it even possible that I've fallen this hard for him? He was just a stranger a couple of weeks ago and now he's the only thing I want in life. I don't want anything else. But I don't even know if I'll see him again. He just text me right this second saying "you're amazing". He's amazing. He's the nicest guy I've ever met in my whole life. Him and I just fit together. It felt so perfect in his arms. But now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My head is a mess. I can't concentrate because he's literally all I think about. All I want to do is plan when we can next see each other, but I don't want to seem keen. It is the most complicated situation I have ever been in. I just want to see him again. I would tell him how I feel and I would never let him go. He's amazing and all I want to do is make him happy. I don't want to say I love him, because I don't know if I do. But I like him so much, it really does hurt.

Scared.

I want to tell you that I love you.

That I think about you everyday. 

That when I talk to you I have a constant smile on my face. 

That you make me laugh so much. 

I want to tell you that I've fallen for you but I don't know how it's possible. 

But...I'm scared.

You had me at hello.

I promised myself I would never fall for anyone ever again. 

What happened? 

..

Feeling like this again scares me. So fucking much. 

 

Let's take the risk.

 

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I haven't written anything here for ages. I guess, because, well, I've been happy with my life. I've been living the single lifestyle without a care in the world and I've really had time to focus on me and who I am. Yes, there have been many times when I've actually stopped and thought, maybe I want someone to love again and to give me some attention. But I have been so happy and I've been loving life. 

And now he's come along. 

And I'm attached and it's the worst situation ever. 

 

So he lives really far away, like 3 hours by train but I went to stay with him last weekend, without thinking of the implications. We'd been flirting over text for about a month and it was obvious that we just got on so well. And so I decided to just bite the bullet and go and meet him. I stayed in his university halls (yes, he's younger than me) and I had the best weekend I've had in a long, long time. Everything was just perfect. And I looked at him, and for the first time in my life I understood what people say when they refer to "love at first sight". It sounds so cliché but I was so taken aback by him, there was something there and I just knew that he was someone special. 

I'm not going to go into details about the weekend, but it was amazing. We acted like a couple and we did the whole cuddling and spooning whilst watching a film thing. And he made me the happiest I've been in a long, long time. But then I had to leave. And the situation was so complicated. and I hadn't planned this part in my head. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave behind someone who I could just tell was someone so special.

So I'm back home now and I've been down about the situation for a week. I won't be able to see him again until January (if things are still even the same between us) and all I want to do is to jump on the train now and see him and be back in his arms. He made me feel something I've never felt before, not about anyone. Not even my ex after 2 years. I don't know how this is possible, but there's just something there. He's perfect for me and I want to be his girl. But our situation is so complicated. We are so far away from each other, we cannot get into a relationship because we've hardly met and we would never see each other. But that's all I want right now. I want to be his and I want him to be mine. He makes me so happy, yet so sad.I have fallen head over heels for him and I'm absolutely petrified. I thought I wanted something like this in my life, but after everything I've been through in the past I'm too vulnerable and paranoid for something like this. I'm so scared to let myself be this girl again. He could easily turn around and hurt me, and now I'm in the position for him to do that. 

I know that he likes me a lot too. He's told me. The weekend was perfect for him and he wishes things could be different. But I have to be realistic, there can't be a relationship. I can't have what I want and therefore I don't know what to do. If we stop speaking, I'll miss him like crazy. If we carry on speaking I'll continue to fall for him and end up getting hurt. 

I want him. I think I could end up loving him. 

Fuck. 

I think I've already fallen for him. 

I don't know why I had to write this. But I had to get it out of my system. I'm so scared I'm going to scare him off with all my talk about feelings, but I want him to know how I feel. I have never felt so vulnerable in all my life. And I don't understand it whatsoever. But I just want him. I don't know what this is, but I just hope it can turn into something amazing. 

I want to take the risk with you, and god I wish you would want the same thing as me.