I haven't written anything here for ages. I guess, because, well, I've been happy with my life. I've been living the single lifestyle without a care in the world and I've really had time to focus on me and who I am. Yes, there have been many times when I've actually stopped and thought, maybe I want someone to love again and to give me some attention. But I have been so happy and I've been loving life.
And now he's come along.
And I'm attached and it's the worst situation ever.
So he lives really far away, like 3 hours by train but I went to stay with him last weekend, without thinking of the implications. We'd been flirting over text for about a month and it was obvious that we just got on so well. And so I decided to just bite the bullet and go and meet him. I stayed in his university halls (yes, he's younger than me) and I had the best weekend I've had in a long, long time. Everything was just perfect. And I looked at him, and for the first time in my life I understood what people say when they refer to "love at first sight". It sounds so cliché but I was so taken aback by him, there was something there and I just knew that he was someone special.
I'm not going to go into details about the weekend, but it was amazing. We acted like a couple and we did the whole cuddling and spooning whilst watching a film thing. And he made me the happiest I've been in a long, long time. But then I had to leave. And the situation was so complicated. and I hadn't planned this part in my head. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave behind someone who I could just tell was someone so special.
So I'm back home now and I've been down about the situation for a week. I won't be able to see him again until January (if things are still even the same between us) and all I want to do is to jump on the train now and see him and be back in his arms. He made me feel something I've never felt before, not about anyone. Not even my ex after 2 years. I don't know how this is possible, but there's just something there. He's perfect for me and I want to be his girl. But our situation is so complicated. We are so far away from each other, we cannot get into a relationship because we've hardly met and we would never see each other. But that's all I want right now. I want to be his and I want him to be mine. He makes me so happy, yet so sad.I have fallen head over heels for him and I'm absolutely petrified. I thought I wanted something like this in my life, but after everything I've been through in the past I'm too vulnerable and paranoid for something like this. I'm so scared to let myself be this girl again. He could easily turn around and hurt me, and now I'm in the position for him to do that.
I know that he likes me a lot too. He's told me. The weekend was perfect for him and he wishes things could be different. But I have to be realistic, there can't be a relationship. I can't have what I want and therefore I don't know what to do. If we stop speaking, I'll miss him like crazy. If we carry on speaking I'll continue to fall for him and end up getting hurt.
I want him. I think I could end up loving him.
Fuck.
I think I've already fallen for him.
I don't know why I had to write this. But I had to get it out of my system. I'm so scared I'm going to scare him off with all my talk about feelings, but I want him to know how I feel. I have never felt so vulnerable in all my life. And I don't understand it whatsoever. But I just want him. I don't know what this is, but I just hope it can turn into something amazing.
I want to take the risk with you, and god I wish you would want the same thing as me.
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