Concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Hello again.
It's been a while since I last blogged here.

I recently read a quote, it goes like this:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future. Concentrate the mind on the present moment"

I used to use this blog to write about things that were hurting me. But I want to blog more often now.
I live abroad at the moment and someone who I was very close to recently moved back home. But his home will never be close enough to my home. I think it is safe to say that I miss him. I miss him so much. It isn't the same here anymore, but life does go on, with or without him. He wasn't a boyfriend, but I did love him. We weren't together, but I think I wanted us to be. I don't know. But he's gone.

I wish I could live a life following the quote that I previously mentioned. I'm always stuck in the past or thinking about my future. What if I never get married? What if I never have children? What if my dreams don't come true?

Yesterday I went to a traditional Spanish festival.
It is tradition to write three wishes on a piece of paper and then jump over 7 waves and throw the wishes into the sea.
I can't tell you what they were. But I hope that they come true.

I am sad that I haven't blogged in so long and reading back on all my posts makes me realise how much my life has changed but then how it is also so very similar. I think I have found myself this year and I think I am a lot more independent. I am still single. But I am okay being single. And I think that's the best part of it all. Besides, you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. I'm learning to love myself.

I'm currently reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and it's teaching me a lot about life. Here is my favourite quote, I am sure that there will be more to follow:

Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be

"People come into our lives to teach us something. People come and people go and people make a difference. And it’s okay that they’re not in our lives anymore"

 -Laurenne Sala

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

These lyrics tell the story of my whole life. 

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Feeling pretty low right now... 2012 you better bring me better things!!!! 

Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today

too many emotions.

I have so many emotions going through my head that I just don't know what to do with them all. This is when I feel I have to write them all out here. But then when it comes to it, I don't know how I feel or what I feel. I was doing just fine before I met him. Everything was good, I was happy, there was nothing more that I wanted. And then I went and fucking met him. And from the moment I left him standing there on that platform, I haven't been the same person. I left a part of me with him, and I don't think he even realises that. He has no idea that I'm feeling like this and I'm far too scared to tell him. How is it even possible that I've fallen this hard for him? He was just a stranger a couple of weeks ago and now he's the only thing I want in life. I don't want anything else. But I don't even know if I'll see him again. He just text me right this second saying "you're amazing". He's amazing. He's the nicest guy I've ever met in my whole life. Him and I just fit together. It felt so perfect in his arms. But now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My head is a mess. I can't concentrate because he's literally all I think about. All I want to do is plan when we can next see each other, but I don't want to seem keen. It is the most complicated situation I have ever been in. I just want to see him again. I would tell him how I feel and I would never let him go. He's amazing and all I want to do is make him happy. I don't want to say I love him, because I don't know if I do. But I like him so much, it really does hurt.

Scared.

I want to tell you that I love you.

That I think about you everyday. 

That when I talk to you I have a constant smile on my face. 

That you make me laugh so much. 

I want to tell you that I've fallen for you but I don't know how it's possible. 

But...I'm scared.

You had me at hello.

I promised myself I would never fall for anyone ever again. 

What happened? 

..

Feeling like this again scares me. So fucking much. 

 

Let's take the risk.

 

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I haven't written anything here for ages. I guess, because, well, I've been happy with my life. I've been living the single lifestyle without a care in the world and I've really had time to focus on me and who I am. Yes, there have been many times when I've actually stopped and thought, maybe I want someone to love again and to give me some attention. But I have been so happy and I've been loving life. 

And now he's come along. 

And I'm attached and it's the worst situation ever. 

 

So he lives really far away, like 3 hours by train but I went to stay with him last weekend, without thinking of the implications. We'd been flirting over text for about a month and it was obvious that we just got on so well. And so I decided to just bite the bullet and go and meet him. I stayed in his university halls (yes, he's younger than me) and I had the best weekend I've had in a long, long time. Everything was just perfect. And I looked at him, and for the first time in my life I understood what people say when they refer to "love at first sight". It sounds so cliché but I was so taken aback by him, there was something there and I just knew that he was someone special. 

I'm not going to go into details about the weekend, but it was amazing. We acted like a couple and we did the whole cuddling and spooning whilst watching a film thing. And he made me the happiest I've been in a long, long time. But then I had to leave. And the situation was so complicated. and I hadn't planned this part in my head. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave behind someone who I could just tell was someone so special.

So I'm back home now and I've been down about the situation for a week. I won't be able to see him again until January (if things are still even the same between us) and all I want to do is to jump on the train now and see him and be back in his arms. He made me feel something I've never felt before, not about anyone. Not even my ex after 2 years. I don't know how this is possible, but there's just something there. He's perfect for me and I want to be his girl. But our situation is so complicated. We are so far away from each other, we cannot get into a relationship because we've hardly met and we would never see each other. But that's all I want right now. I want to be his and I want him to be mine. He makes me so happy, yet so sad.I have fallen head over heels for him and I'm absolutely petrified. I thought I wanted something like this in my life, but after everything I've been through in the past I'm too vulnerable and paranoid for something like this. I'm so scared to let myself be this girl again. He could easily turn around and hurt me, and now I'm in the position for him to do that. 

I know that he likes me a lot too. He's told me. The weekend was perfect for him and he wishes things could be different. But I have to be realistic, there can't be a relationship. I can't have what I want and therefore I don't know what to do. If we stop speaking, I'll miss him like crazy. If we carry on speaking I'll continue to fall for him and end up getting hurt. 

I want him. I think I could end up loving him. 

Fuck. 

I think I've already fallen for him. 

I don't know why I had to write this. But I had to get it out of my system. I'm so scared I'm going to scare him off with all my talk about feelings, but I want him to know how I feel. I have never felt so vulnerable in all my life. And I don't understand it whatsoever. But I just want him. I don't know what this is, but I just hope it can turn into something amazing. 

I want to take the risk with you, and god I wish you would want the same thing as me. 

You know what's scary?

Letting go is scary. Letting go means forgetting about all the hurt, tears and pain. It sounds easy, but it's not. Because once you love someone, you're attached to them. Everything that they did to hurt you just makes you hold on to them longer. Sooner or later, you realize how much you depend on them. The fights and the drama become a part of you. It's hard and it hurts like hell, but you have to let go.

I thought I'd let you go, but sometimes I'm not so sure. 

It's not all that easy.

I don't believe in soul mates...anymore.

---

I don't want to hold on, I want the strength to let go. 

 

.

"Do you remember the way we used to talk?

Do you remember how we were.. 

Just a summer ago?"

:)

So hello, good friend.

I saw him today. And everything was fine. I had such a good time with him. I was so surprised. We laughed, we spoke and we were just us again. Minus all the boyfriend and girlfriend stuff. It feels really good to have my friend back. To know that we can finally draw a line under everything that happened and just smile. Not one of my friends understands why I needed to see him today. But I did. It was just something I had to do. And it went fine. It was lovely. We spoke about the past and laughed about all the memories we shared. And we also spoke about the present and everything that is going on in our lives now. I didn't so much like the stories about all the girls that he has been with. But it was fine. It was something I needed to do and I did it with pride and conquered all the fear that I felt. And he hugged me. And for the first time, I felt like I had really let him go. And although there was a point when I wondered what would happen if I just leant in and kissed him, there were no feelings anymore. It was just a friendship. We are just two people who know each other so well, who can finally be friends and forget all the bad things that we have been through in the past. And now I know I can go to Spain knowing that I have closure and that everything has been cleared up. My whole life lies ahead of me now. I can finally move on from every little thing. And the best thing is that I don't want to be with him anymore. Not now or at anytime in the future. He's changed. His whole attitude on life has changed. And although it hurts to know he isn't the same person anymore, it makes me happy to know that I could never go back to him. I'm over him, I don't care for what could have been anymore. I'm over him and that's the way it is from now on. 

I'm Freeeee :)

Finally finished... :) 

No more exams or uni work until October now. I'm freee! 

Booked my flights for Spain. 

I literally CANNOT wait!!!! 

Life's good! 

 

Hmm...

He called me and apologised and said he only said those things because he was drunk.

We're friends again.

I have a french exam tomorrow and I am most probably going to fail.

But it's my last exam and all I am thinking about is the celebrations afterwards.

I literally cannot wait to be free! 

In 12 hours life will be good again. 

No need to say goodbye.

It only just hit me that I'm moving out of halls a week today.

I will never live in this room again.

This room that I so badly hated when I first came.

The room I thought was dirty and tiny and so unhomely that I just wanted to go home.

But then I fell in love with it and everyone else in my flat.
Now this is my home and I don't want to leave.

I don't want to move out.

I don't want to have to say goodbye to you all for 4 months.

My life is going to seem so empty without you all. 

And so much has happened to me in this tiny little box room. 

Tears, laughter, love. 

These four walls have seen me at my worst but also at my best. 

I dread the day when I have to say goodbye. 

I don't want to be a second year uni student.

oh darling, my head is a mess.

"You're clearly not over me so I will contact you again when you're ready. In the mean time I won't reply to your messages, calls or emails". 

WHY? I am over you. Aren't I? I worked so hard to get over you. I really did. I thought I was. I think I am. But you just came back into my life and all of a sudden things started going on in my head, and I had to tell you what I felt, I had to tell you that I missed you. Because I do. But now I've gone and lost you again. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I'm not over you, maybe you do know me too well and you're the only one who can see the truth. Maybe I'll never get over you. Please come back one day. Because that would be nice. I don't want to get back together, I do only want to be friends. And that is the truth. But for now, I'll be waiting for the day when you think I'm ready. I forgot you once, I can forget you again, right?