too many emotions.

I have so many emotions going through my head that I just don't know what to do with them all. This is when I feel I have to write them all out here. But then when it comes to it, I don't know how I feel or what I feel. I was doing just fine before I met him. Everything was good, I was happy, there was nothing more that I wanted. And then I went and fucking met him. And from the moment I left him standing there on that platform, I haven't been the same person. I left a part of me with him, and I don't think he even realises that. He has no idea that I'm feeling like this and I'm far too scared to tell him. How is it even possible that I've fallen this hard for him? He was just a stranger a couple of weeks ago and now he's the only thing I want in life. I don't want anything else. But I don't even know if I'll see him again. He just text me right this second saying "you're amazing". He's amazing. He's the nicest guy I've ever met in my whole life. Him and I just fit together. It felt so perfect in his arms. But now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My head is a mess. I can't concentrate because he's literally all I think about. All I want to do is plan when we can next see each other, but I don't want to seem keen. It is the most complicated situation I have ever been in. I just want to see him again. I would tell him how I feel and I would never let him go. He's amazing and all I want to do is make him happy. I don't want to say I love him, because I don't know if I do. But I like him so much, it really does hurt.

Scared.

I want to tell you that I love you.

That I think about you everyday. 

That when I talk to you I have a constant smile on my face. 

That you make me laugh so much. 

I want to tell you that I've fallen for you but I don't know how it's possible. 

But...I'm scared.

You had me at hello.

I promised myself I would never fall for anyone ever again. 

What happened? 

..

Feeling like this again scares me. So fucking much. 

 

Let's take the risk.

 

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I haven't written anything here for ages. I guess, because, well, I've been happy with my life. I've been living the single lifestyle without a care in the world and I've really had time to focus on me and who I am. Yes, there have been many times when I've actually stopped and thought, maybe I want someone to love again and to give me some attention. But I have been so happy and I've been loving life. 

And now he's come along. 

And I'm attached and it's the worst situation ever. 

 

So he lives really far away, like 3 hours by train but I went to stay with him last weekend, without thinking of the implications. We'd been flirting over text for about a month and it was obvious that we just got on so well. And so I decided to just bite the bullet and go and meet him. I stayed in his university halls (yes, he's younger than me) and I had the best weekend I've had in a long, long time. Everything was just perfect. And I looked at him, and for the first time in my life I understood what people say when they refer to "love at first sight". It sounds so cliché but I was so taken aback by him, there was something there and I just knew that he was someone special. 

I'm not going to go into details about the weekend, but it was amazing. We acted like a couple and we did the whole cuddling and spooning whilst watching a film thing. And he made me the happiest I've been in a long, long time. But then I had to leave. And the situation was so complicated. and I hadn't planned this part in my head. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave behind someone who I could just tell was someone so special.

So I'm back home now and I've been down about the situation for a week. I won't be able to see him again until January (if things are still even the same between us) and all I want to do is to jump on the train now and see him and be back in his arms. He made me feel something I've never felt before, not about anyone. Not even my ex after 2 years. I don't know how this is possible, but there's just something there. He's perfect for me and I want to be his girl. But our situation is so complicated. We are so far away from each other, we cannot get into a relationship because we've hardly met and we would never see each other. But that's all I want right now. I want to be his and I want him to be mine. He makes me so happy, yet so sad.I have fallen head over heels for him and I'm absolutely petrified. I thought I wanted something like this in my life, but after everything I've been through in the past I'm too vulnerable and paranoid for something like this. I'm so scared to let myself be this girl again. He could easily turn around and hurt me, and now I'm in the position for him to do that. 

I know that he likes me a lot too. He's told me. The weekend was perfect for him and he wishes things could be different. But I have to be realistic, there can't be a relationship. I can't have what I want and therefore I don't know what to do. If we stop speaking, I'll miss him like crazy. If we carry on speaking I'll continue to fall for him and end up getting hurt. 

I want him. I think I could end up loving him. 

Fuck. 

I think I've already fallen for him. 

I don't know why I had to write this. But I had to get it out of my system. I'm so scared I'm going to scare him off with all my talk about feelings, but I want him to know how I feel. I have never felt so vulnerable in all my life. And I don't understand it whatsoever. But I just want him. I don't know what this is, but I just hope it can turn into something amazing. 

I want to take the risk with you, and god I wish you would want the same thing as me. 

You know what's scary?

Letting go is scary. Letting go means forgetting about all the hurt, tears and pain. It sounds easy, but it's not. Because once you love someone, you're attached to them. Everything that they did to hurt you just makes you hold on to them longer. Sooner or later, you realize how much you depend on them. The fights and the drama become a part of you. It's hard and it hurts like hell, but you have to let go.

I thought I'd let you go, but sometimes I'm not so sure. 

It's not all that easy.

I don't believe in soul mates...anymore.

---

I don't want to hold on, I want the strength to let go. 

 

.

"Do you remember the way we used to talk?

Do you remember how we were.. 

Just a summer ago?"

:)

So hello, good friend.

I saw him today. And everything was fine. I had such a good time with him. I was so surprised. We laughed, we spoke and we were just us again. Minus all the boyfriend and girlfriend stuff. It feels really good to have my friend back. To know that we can finally draw a line under everything that happened and just smile. Not one of my friends understands why I needed to see him today. But I did. It was just something I had to do. And it went fine. It was lovely. We spoke about the past and laughed about all the memories we shared. And we also spoke about the present and everything that is going on in our lives now. I didn't so much like the stories about all the girls that he has been with. But it was fine. It was something I needed to do and I did it with pride and conquered all the fear that I felt. And he hugged me. And for the first time, I felt like I had really let him go. And although there was a point when I wondered what would happen if I just leant in and kissed him, there were no feelings anymore. It was just a friendship. We are just two people who know each other so well, who can finally be friends and forget all the bad things that we have been through in the past. And now I know I can go to Spain knowing that I have closure and that everything has been cleared up. My whole life lies ahead of me now. I can finally move on from every little thing. And the best thing is that I don't want to be with him anymore. Not now or at anytime in the future. He's changed. His whole attitude on life has changed. And although it hurts to know he isn't the same person anymore, it makes me happy to know that I could never go back to him. I'm over him, I don't care for what could have been anymore. I'm over him and that's the way it is from now on. 

I'm Freeeee :)

Finally finished... :) 

No more exams or uni work until October now. I'm freee! 

Booked my flights for Spain. 

I literally CANNOT wait!!!! 

Life's good! 

 

Hmm...

He called me and apologised and said he only said those things because he was drunk.

We're friends again.

I have a french exam tomorrow and I am most probably going to fail.

But it's my last exam and all I am thinking about is the celebrations afterwards.

I literally cannot wait to be free! 

In 12 hours life will be good again. 

No need to say goodbye.

It only just hit me that I'm moving out of halls a week today.

I will never live in this room again.

This room that I so badly hated when I first came.

The room I thought was dirty and tiny and so unhomely that I just wanted to go home.

But then I fell in love with it and everyone else in my flat.
Now this is my home and I don't want to leave.

I don't want to move out.

I don't want to have to say goodbye to you all for 4 months.

My life is going to seem so empty without you all. 

And so much has happened to me in this tiny little box room. 

Tears, laughter, love. 

These four walls have seen me at my worst but also at my best. 

I dread the day when I have to say goodbye. 

I don't want to be a second year uni student.

oh darling, my head is a mess.

"You're clearly not over me so I will contact you again when you're ready. In the mean time I won't reply to your messages, calls or emails". 

WHY? I am over you. Aren't I? I worked so hard to get over you. I really did. I thought I was. I think I am. But you just came back into my life and all of a sudden things started going on in my head, and I had to tell you what I felt, I had to tell you that I missed you. Because I do. But now I've gone and lost you again. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I'm not over you, maybe you do know me too well and you're the only one who can see the truth. Maybe I'll never get over you. Please come back one day. Because that would be nice. I don't want to get back together, I do only want to be friends. And that is the truth. But for now, I'll be waiting for the day when you think I'm ready. I forgot you once, I can forget you again, right? 

My brain hurts.

So sick of revising. 

The only thing that is keeping me going is Monday night and SPAIN. (and red bull)

I can't get you out of my head.

 

just something.

Forgive and forget, right?

"EVERYONE SAYS FORGIVENESS IS A LOVELY IDEA, UNTIL THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO FORGIVE"

He called me up last night. The boy who hurt me, broke me and destroyed me. The boy who took my heart and ruined my self confidence and trust. He phoned me up out of the blue, when I was at least expecting it, when I had finally moved on. I haven't thought about him for months. I haven't cared, I haven't contacted him. I've accepted the pain and moved on and I am finally finding myself and learning to be happy. 

But then he called me. And he cried. And he apologised for every little bit of pain he had caused me. And he told me that he missed me. He told me that he was sorry. That he has never been able to forgive himself for the hurt he caused. That he has always been able to talk to me and he knew that one day we were bound to be friends. He was actually nice to me. He actually cares and he always has done. 

It was the most surreal two hours of my life so far. A boy who I had learnt to forgotten and who I had convinced myself didn't care for me anymore. Called me up and told me he was so sorry. And he actually cried. And me, the idiot that I am, I forgave him. Because he is and always has been my best friend. And I always missed the way we can just talk to each other and laugh and not give a shit. 

I sat there and I listened to him as he told me that his life is a complete mess. That he used a girl to get over me, as a rebound. That he doesn't love her, but she loves him. That he doesn't know what to do because he needs to get out of it, that he's not ready for committment and wants to be single. I just sat there. And I didn't cry. I didn't get upset. I listened to him tell me about the holidays they had already been on, their trip to the sea-side. And it didn't hurt me. I wanted him to tell me all this, I wanted him to just be happy. And that proved to me that finally, after months of pain and hurt and tears.. I'm over him. 

 

We spoke for two hours. It was the best two hours of my life since I lost him. Because I got my best friend back. And yes, things are complicated and I have no idea what's going to happen now. But it just feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. He has restored all my hope in love and men. They aren't all complete dicks, and eventually they learn. I hope him and I can be friends now and forget everything that happened between us. 

I love how we can jsut talk to each other after everything that has happened. That we actually spoke about the time when we were together and we laughed about it. And we talked about everything that went wrong and now I understand everything. We weren't meant to be but we are meant to be friends. Two people who were that close can never go for the rest of their lives without talking. 

This is definitely the beginning of a new start for me. Because now I can finally close the doors on him and look back at the relationship and smile and laugh. We can be friends, with no feelings, but there will always be something between us because we share something special. I'm so happy to have him back in my life. And I'm so happy that I don't love him anymore. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, he made me stronger. And now I'm ready to face anything that comes my way. 

I got over him. I don't need him anymore. And that is the way to be. Because now he is in my life, and I'm happy with that but I don't need him there. He will always have a place in my heart and I just cannot put it into words how relieved I feel that I finally got an apology and I finally learnt the truth about everything that he put me through. I will always care about him and now I know that he will always be a part of my life. And that is what I have always wanted with him. I don't care if he's not my boyfriend. He's my friend and I am so happy to have him back in my life.

I'm just out to find, the better part of me.

I'm going to be an au-pair.

Time to do something with my life.

I have nothing to stay for over summer.

So, hello spain. 

The worst things in life come free to us.

WHY am I so unlucky!!

3 hour Italian language exam tomorrow, which I'm pretty sure I am going to fail. 

I am in love with this man.

I haven't smiled since you left.

So, after a week of not talking to him, and believing that all he needed was space and that he was waiting for me to be back from summer for us to be together.. he tells me he is in a relationship. 

I should have known really, he's no different to the others. 

Why should I believe a word anyone says to me anymore?

I'm better off alone anyway. 

I don't need all this hurt in my life. 

I fucking hate guys that lead you on and build up your hopes and let you fall for them. 

And then all they do is turn around and tear your world apart. 

I should have listened to him when he told me I should walk away. but I wanted to show him what happiness felt like. I wanted to make him happy because he was always so sad. I wanted to be the one to show him what love was. I wanted to be with him so bad. 

Well atleast he got what he wanted, he's happy now, just not with me. Just in the process, I ended up getting hurt. As always. 

It's so hard not to feel sad when everyone around me is so happy with their lives. 

And I feel like mine is a lost cause, taking me no where, with absolutely nothing to look forward to.

I hope she hurts you because you're a fucking dick.

harsh words but I don't care. 

Go along and play happy families. 

Don't you dare come crying to me when it all goes wrong.

I wish I'd never met you.

i love the sound of rain outside my window.

Stuck in her daydream...

.... Been this way since eighteen. 

When is someone going to come along and save me? 

Getting lonely stuck revising in this dark flat. 

Missing the flatmates ♥

Tell me, did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

So my life feels pretty empty without you. 

You made me whole again. 

Please come back. 

 ♥

the future is ours.

I wish you would let me in. 

I'm crazy about you. 

 I really am, I'm falling for you. ♥

This is probably the worst idea that I've ever had. I'm proabably going to get hurt. But I'm not scared anymore. I think we are meant to be. We are so good together. We just fit. He's the risk that I'm willing to take. 

I can't get you out of my head. 

Broken.

I miss when we used to go for walks on the playing field, especially when we climbed the fence and went down by the river. I miss the times we would go for random drives, just becuase we had nothing else to do. I miss going up lyth hill and lying in our spot just chatting for hours on end. I miss how we would go for a macdonalds and you would always laugh at my parking. I miss how I called you jimmy. I miss how you would always check up on the football every minute of every day. I wish I hadn't gotten so annoyed at you for doing that now. I miss how we'd always go and sit in your garden and talk to your parents. I miss coming in from a night out and passing out in your kitchen and tip-toeing upstairs without waking anyone up. I miss the smell of your aftershave. I miss driving home at 11pm from a whole day with you. I miss playing on your blackberry. I miss lying in your bed watching Casualty on a Saturday night. I miss being called down for dinner and quickly getting dressed and putting make up on. I miss going for walks to the shops and buying lots of sweets. I miss writing letters to you and doing anything I can to make you smile. I miss playing Fifa with you and trying my hardest to beat you. I miss playing pictionary and monopoly. I miss seeing your face on skype and taking snapshots for memories. I miss taking pictures and voice recordings of you. I miss finding little notes from you which you always gave to me when you left me. I miss spooning and arguing who was being spooned. I miss singing with you and deciding who had the best music taste. I miss baking cakes with you. I miss dancing with you. I miss ticking your tummy. I miss hearing you say "Julieee" really loudly. I miss really small things like all of this. But most of all I miss the sound of your voice. And I miss being loved by you. Becuase with you was the happiest time of my life, and although it's been four months, I'm still completely in love with you. And I think it's safe to say that you broke my heart.

Lonely.

Sometimes I feel really sad.

I can sit here and cry for hours and hours, and in the morning no one will know. 

Sometimes it hurts so much. 

I used to listen to those songs with you. 

Songs about heartbreak, and I never ever imagined I would one day relate them to you. 

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. 

I want you back. 

I miss everything so much sometimes. 

"And all the time you were tellin' me lies
So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you 

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed "

                                                        -Alicia Keys

I love my family.

Family love is the only love that will last a lifetime. 

I had the loveliest weekend back home with the fam. 

Happy days. 

So maybe I am a little bit unhappy, but my family and friends make up for that. 

It's something you realise when you're single.

Friends and family are THE most important things in life. 

:)

It's his birthday tomorrow. 

All I want to do is call him up and wish him happy birthday, like the old times.

What am I supposed to do? 

Been thinking about him a lot lately. 

Guess it's cos i miss him. 

Oh well, life goes on. 

The sun came out today.

It made me happy :) 

I'm going to give blood tomorrow, I feel like I need to do something good for the world. 

Please don't judge me for always being sad, I only post when I'm sad to get it off my chest.

Sorry. 

 I don't really have much else to say, as there is nothing exciting going on in my life right now. 

 

"Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less,
Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down? 

But go on and take it,
Take it all with you,
Don't look back,
At this crumbling fool,
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love"

            -Adele

Sometimes it hurts instead.

So he wasn't different. 

And he wasn't nice. 

And his excuse was "I'm just not a nice guy, you deserve better". 

I hate men. 

They are all dicks.

I guess it's my own fault for getting my hopes up and for actually believing words that people told me. 

Another fall, but as usual I will get back up again. 

It just feels like, however hard I am trying to believe in love again, some boy comes into the picture and throws all of my hope out of the window.. and each time it happens it gets thrown further and further. 

Oh well, I'm going home tomorrow and I can't wait to see my family. 

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile when you're sad, love what you've got and remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, just remember life goes on. We navigate our whole lives using words. Change and improve the words and I believe we can change and improve life"

 

 

Putting my heart back together.

So maybe it isn't anything, and maybe my hopes are too far up in the sky, but he seems different. He seems nice. 

And I like him.

He made me laugh. 

I can't wait to see him again. 

I finally have something to smile about. 

Please don't let me down. 

You can't let the losses in your life define you.

So, I'm doing okay.

I haven't posted for a while. Maybe because I'm doing okay, I have got closure, and I'm moving on. 

I'd be lying if I said I don't think of him. I think about him all the time. I am reminded of a distant memory every single day. But it's okay, because I've learnt how to deal with it and now I just smile and shrug it off. Maybe I've found someone new, maybe I haven't. But things are working out for me and I'm learning to live and be happy for myself. 

Throughout this whole journey, one song has got me through it. The lyrics inspire me so much, and everytime I hear it I just cry. It's the story of my life...

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

A truly inspirational song that has got me through some tough times.. 

Also, a couple of quotes to sum up my life atm... 

"It’s amazing the things you realize when you lose someone. You get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could have said a million times. You take for granted the days you spent doing nothing when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken, at any point in our lives, but we always wait until they’re gone to say the things we never had the courage to say" 

"Doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up"

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not – won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around. And don’t lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for"

This is huge. And a ramble. But hopefully it's my way of showing that I'm over things and that I'm moving on. I haven't forgotten, I will always remember. But I am moving forward instead of living in the past. And for that, I am proud of myself and I can't wait to live the rest of my life. It's taken me this long to realise it, but life is for living.. :) 

What does it feel like to be in love?

It feels like your whole world finally makes sense.

It feels like nothing else matters but that one person who owns your heart.

It feels amazing to know that there is always someone there for you, no matter what time of day. 

It feels like your future is finally laid out for you. 

It feels like everyday is a new journey that you can't wait to experience.

It feels like happiness when you wake up smiling and go to sleep smiling.

It feels like a dream which you know is real.

It feels like everything finally makes sense to you and you finally know where you want to be in ten years time. 

It feels like perfection...

And it fucking hurts when it's gone. 

You hurt me and I hurt you.. that's how it's going to be from now on.

So I spoke to "him" yesterday and he fucked me up all over again. He's seeing someone ten times better than me, he never even wants to be friends with me, and he doesn't want anything to do with me ever again. So at first I was upset, and crying and a bit of a mess. But then I realised well, why do I care? Yeah I love him, but I'll fall out of love with him one day. Why do I want someone in my life who "doesn't give a fuck" if he hurts me? And I realised that the answer is I don't want anything to do with someone like that. Right now it's hard not to pick up the phone and call him and ask for an explanation. But I know that one day things will get better and that I'll realise I don't need him anymore. I just can't wait for that day. I'm still in love with the person he used to be, not the person he is now. He changed and I just need to realise that he's not the same boy I fell in love with. So many relationships are breaking up around me, and so many are just forming. It's made me realise that feelings are always changing and that things only ever happen for a reason. So right now I'd give anything to speak to him and get closure, but it's not going to happen. And I just have to accept that and move on. There's not going to be a day when he realises how much I'm hurting and pick up the phone and start being nice to me. He doesn't care anymore. He's moved on. I'm walking away from the person who hurt me, hit me and broke me. I have to walk away. And somewhere in that process I will pick the pieces back up again and shut away the bad memories. The bruises and the swearing. The shouting and the hitting. The hatred and the anger. And eventually I will look back on all of this and smile about the good memories. The laughs and the smiles, the days out and the nights in. Every experience makes you who you are, and this can only make me stronger. If I can survive this, I can survive anything. Right now we can't be friends. We can't deal with each other. Nothing went wrong, but nothing is ever going to be right again. My best friend is now my worst enemy. My heart belongs to the boy who hit me and bruised me. And only a fool would ever let that happen. So I'm taking back my love. I'm taking back my heart. And I'm moving on. Never again will I look back into the past. It's over. It's gone. My life is just beginning. A life without him in it. It's time to forget all those happy times, the happiest times of my life. My trust may be ruined, and my heart may be broken, but I will fix it and I will learn to smile, and when I smile, I will really mean it. One day in the future, my eyes won't be filled with hurt and tears, but with laughter and happiness. And one day, I will find someone who loves me, just as much as I love them. They will give me their heart, and I will understand that I can't break it. Because once someone breaks your heart, the scars will always show. I will never love someone like that again, but I will love again. And I will learn to be happy. Time to move on. Time to open new doors and welcome the new experiences that await me. 

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

Someone take her home away from here..

Been feeling pretty down about stuff lately. I don't know if it's because of the stress of the looming exams, or just because I miss the boy I'm in love with. Cheesy? But yeah, I love him. I still love him. Even after everything that happened. Even after he hit me, spat at me, tried to break my arm and said he isn't afraid to hurt me anymore. Even after he told me I ruined his life. I still love him. It's crazy isn't it? After all the hurt, and guilt he has made me feel, I still love him. I love him like I've never loved anyone. And I think in a weird way, I always will. Maybe get back to me in two years and then see how I feel. I hope I can get over him and forget him. But I think he'll always have a piece of me. Because I love him. And he was special. And I felt so lucky to be able to call him mine. Even if it was only for 2 years.

Sorry for being cheesy and moaning about a stupid boy who broke my heart.

But I'm just in a bad place right now. 

It's alright because I like the way it hurts.

So I've kissed a couple of guys. 

But none of them are YOU

Story of my life.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no

Someone save me?

I'm going to just write for once. No pictures, just words. 

So I'm a little bit sad, and a little bit lonely. I miss him more than words could ever explain. He was the only person who knew me inside and out and the one person who was always there. When I was feeling sad I could just pick up the phone and he would know what to say to make everything better. But now who is there? Who can take this feeling away? So I have bad days and good days and I guess this is a bad day. Everything hurts. Everything reminds me of him. I pick up the phone to call him and he doesn't answer. I text him saying I need to talk to him but he doesn't reply. What happened to make us like this. From going so close, to so far apart. In just a couple of weeks. Best friends to enemies. Lovers to haters. All the times we laughed together and cried together are just a distant memory now. All the things we did together. All the times we were there for each other. The places that mean something, The pictures that always made me smile. What do you do with all these memories? Just let them float around in your head, destroying you. Thinking what could have been and knowing you lost the only person in your life that meant something to you. It's hard when people ask you how you are doing and you have to somehow find the strength to reply that you are fine, when really you are falling apart inside. I don't miss my boyfriend. I miss my best friend. I miss the laughs, the good times and the happiness. I miss the feeling I got when I heard him say he loved me. I miss the look in his eyes when he smiled at me. I miss holding him close and knowing he'll always be mine. I miss his voice and his smile. I miss every little detail. And I'm so scared that I'll forget what he looks like, what he sounds like, what he feels like. I know I need to forget, but I don't want to. I don't want to forget the only person who ever loved me and made me feel like I was worth something to someone. I don't want to have to forget the way he made me feel, because it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want him back. And I hate that even though he hurt me, he's the only person in the whole entire world who can make me feel better. I hate it. I hate it all. Because he's moved on, and I'm still one big mess inside, wishing he'd come back for me and make everything the way it used to be. 

I will wait for you, but I won't wait forever...

So my head is all over the place right now. I think I need to get away.

This is not what I intended, I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. 

You always thought that I was stronger..

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

Lazy day.

Hello hangover, haven't seen you for a while! 

In this weird twisted way, I know you miss me liking you, not because I want to believe it's true, but because you'll never find a girl that can put up with you like I did; you'll never find a girl who will care as much as I did, because no one will waste all there love on someone like you, like I did.

New Start?

So I'm back at uni. Away from the memories and places that hold a special place in my heart. New faces and new experiences. A whole 8 weeks ahead of me in which to move on and make new memories. No more living in the past. No more "what if's" and wondering what "could have been". It's a new start for me, surrounded by people who I already call my best friends. So yeah I miss back home and the people there. But they'll be there when I get back. So this is my time to get out in the world. Young, free and single. This is my time to live. Maybe single isn't as bad as I thought. Maybe I will get to finally have some fun! 

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"

It's hard to forget someone you know you'll always remember...♥

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because he was the first person that received ALL of you. After that, you learn better, But most importantly, no matter what, a piece of you remains left behind in the heart of the person you once loved, a piece a future lover could never get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love truly can last forever, it holds friendship and pain and trial and error. That one kiss you'll never forget and that one night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love could be... everything that was proven wrong.

He could be that boy, but I'm not that girl...♥

It's so easy to pretend to be strong, yet so hard to actually be strong.
 I'm falling apart and no one knows it but me. 
 Heartbreak is never going to be easy. 

 









I still love him.
And, it hurts. 

HELLO. ♥

HAPPY NEW YEAR. 

New Year's Resolution:
Be happy for YOU!


(and start blogging) 

 










THIS. IS. ME.